Monday, December 1, 2014

DECEMBER 2014-- I AM HAPPY! LETTER TO MY 17 or 18 YEAR OLD SELF.

Well, this past weekend, I hit a huge mile marker. I TURNED 50 years old. I think I am in shock. But..to celebrate this passage, I have decided to write a letter to my younger self. You know--the "if I knew then what I know now" letter....First, a friend of mine sent me photos of me at that age. I loved receiving them (via the internet)..I did not know that any photos existed of me at the age of 17 or 18...I've never allowed pictures of myself to be taken..but, I digress....Here it goes.

Dear Suzan,

First, I must say that I love you. I didn't always love you, and probably pretty much bordered on hating you, but things and feelings change...and I DO LOVE YOU.

You surprisingly do not look like Quasimodo--which is how you always saw yourself. You are not ugly. I'm surprised that you never realized this. I know a lot of people told you that you were cute, pretty, beautiful, etc..but, in your youthful ignorance, you refused to believe them. YOU SHOULD HAVE. You would have spared yourself many, many tormented moments in your life. You should have spent more time believing in yourself, and your inner beauty, than the years of self-hatred that you felt.

Something else, YOU WERE GOOD ENOUGH. I know that you went through many, many years thinking you were not good enough..But, you WERE. Those good men you dumped because you didn't think you were good enough, you were. You were good enough for ALL of them. Anyone of them would have been blessed to have you, and to have the chance to love you, and be loved by you. The bad men that did you wrong, the ones that you thought you were "good enough" for..THEY were not good ENOUGH FOR YOU. You wasted many years on the losers out there...but, luckily you learned. You did better every time that you choose a boyfriend, after every relationship you did better. They prepared you for the real love from a real man in your life, and everything turns out wonderful.

I have to give you credit. You always stood your ground...and you were as resilient as a rubber ball. You lived your life on YOUR TERMS, and no one else's. This says a lot. You didn't succumb to pressure to be something that you weren't to make someone else happy. You did not always take the easy path, you did not always live by society's rules, but you did it YOUR WAY. For that, I am PROUD of you.

I know that you went through a lot of abuse at the hand's of your "father". You survived. You lived through it. It made you stronger. You didn't become a victim..for that I am PROUD of you. So many let abuse take their life from them. You fought it, and the feelings that it gave you. You overcame what was dished out to you, and realized it was your father that had problems, and not you. Same for the "mother"..you realized that she deserted you--and you basically owed her nothing. You left both of these parental figures in the dust, where they should have been left. Good for you!!

You were very fortunate. God continuously sent you the MOST AMAZING people to love you. Throughout your life, your friends became your backbone, your heart, and they kept you standing when you could not stand alone. I hope that you gave back to them, and loved them as much as they loved you. I know from experience that your friends are the major reason that you are who you are today.

You did some things wrong. ONE--you should have followed your dreams early on. When your family told you that ART would not make you a living, you should have told them to jump off the nearest pier into the deepest water, and you should have made ART. You should have followed every dream you had, and not listened to "family". They were WRONG. You were meant to be an artist, and you knew that for as long as you could form a complete thought...I'm PROUD of you for showing them that they were wrong. Good girl!!

Another thing that you did wrong, and I am not going to preach at you, but you most likely should have left the alcohol, and marijuana alone. They made you feel better for a few moments, but trust me..they created more problems than they were worth. You are lucky that it never went into the harder drugs..the ones that can steal your soul from you.

You did the best that you could with the cards that were dealt to you. You raised your child , maybe not in the perfect "June Cleaver" way, but you did the best that you could at the time. She grew up to be a wonderful human being. She turned out kind, strong, compassionate, smart, and able to stand on her own two feet through anything. She ends up making you very proud to be her mother. You will grow up to feel guilty about the time that you hit her with a broom though..(LOL).

All in all..even though your road was a hard one..it was all worth it. It brought you to a really good place in life. You made it...and you WIN. I hope the rest of "our" journey is as productive and exciting as it has all been. I DO LOVE YOU,  Suzan





6 comments:

Unknown said...

It is such a pleasure to be your friend -- I love you! (ps... hate to say this, but that 17 yr old would not have heard a word of this) good job, loved reading this!

Janet Ghio said...

Beautifully written!!

Mary said...

Dear beautiful you, I am so very glad I stopped by today. Happy, Happy belated birthday wishes to you Suzan. I believe the next leg of your journey will be rich with the things you have come to believe, and with the things you have let fall away.

Grace, peace and love to you!

Leanne E said...

What a wonderful letter!!! Sounds a lot like my own journey... No broom, but I did once whack my son on the forehead with a tablespoon, and I still hear about it (he's 34 now). All the best in the next 50-- may you continue to have great people to journey with!

crafty creations said...

What a wonderful letter you have written to your 17 year old self - at that age you wouldn't have listened to you at all

Hope the future holds all you truly deserve - your art is amazing

bockel24 said...

I turned 50 too this summer, but I´m not ready to write such a letter to my younger self - hope I´ll be able to do that one day when life is better.